Kiosk Downloading

Publication date: 1986

Story: Mike Richardson

Art: James Dean Smith

Edits: Randy Stradley

“Boris the Bear Slaughters the Teenage Radioactive BlackBelt Mutant Ninja Critters!”

Boris the Bear is in his treehouse when he encounters aproblem: All the black and white indie comics being published are about radicalanthropomorphic animal youngsters that know martial arts. He’s sick and tired of it! Rushing past his friend Dave, Boris gears upwith heavy artillery and goes on the hunt for clichéd indie comic bookcharacters who need to be eliminated.

During his journey, he encounters the Juvenile DeviantHard-Shelled Assassins: Leo, Mikey, Donny and Bob. Boris punches Mikey so hard his eyeballs popout, then chops his head off. After that, he disarmsLeo and punches a hole through his head. Next, he breaks Bob’s wrists and then punches him in the face so hard his headexplodes. And finally, Boris catches Donnytrying to sneak away. He stranglesDonny, rips off his shell and then slams him into the ground repeatedly untilthere’s nothing left of the Turtle but a greasy smear.

After Boris takes out some more anthropomorphic animalcharacters (both indie and mainstream), he’s sent back to his treehouse by anirate Dave. With his work done, Borissits down to read the only good indie comic about anthropomorphic animals everwritten: His own.

*For the record, this was a parody and not an officialcameo from the TMNT.
*The Hard-Shelled Assassins and others from this issue will return in Boris the Bear #8.

*Also murdered in this issue are Miyamoto Usagi, Cerebus the Aardvark and the Miami Mice; all characters whom the Turtles crossed overwith at some point.

*This issue received a second printing the same year.

I don’t typically cover parodies here at TMNTEntity. There have been so many goofs onthe Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles over the years that I’d be reviewing into my 90sbefore I’d even be close to finished.

But it just so happens that while I was digging throughthe quarter bin at my local shop, I stumbled upon this thing and since I boughtit, I might as well review it.

While the story is pretty dumb and just an excuse formindless, over-the-top violence, it actually is a little funny. Let’s be frank; there WAS an explosion ofanthropomorphic animal characters in the indie comics scene of the mid-80s, andmany were a reaction to the success of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Boris’ frustration with all these genericcharacters seems a pretty reasonable reaction when you take the context of thetime period into consideration.

However, he does accuse several characters of beingmindless rip-offs with no artistic integrity worthy only of being murdered andforgotten… who are now considered to be some of the greatest indie comicscharacters of all time. And I ain’ttalkin’ ‘bout the TMNT, either.

I mean, who the hell shits on Usagi Yojimbo? I have never seen anyone ever rip apart thatbook as being knock-off garbage. Granted, ’86 was pretty early into Usagi’s lifespan, but Richardsonreally jumped the gun on this one (so to speak).

Likewise, he also rips into Cerebus. And while the aardvark doesn’t have the bestreputation these days, by ’86 his comic was still considered a contemporaryclassic that was innovating the sequential art form with almost every issue.

But fuck the Miami Mice, though. Open season on those losers.

So some of the slaughtering comes across as maybe envy; Richardsonseeing all these creators succeeding and innovating while the best idea he cancome up with is Boris the Bear. Afterreading Boris’ wiki article, apparently “killing characters more popular thanhe is” was the bear’s only gimmick.

I will say that the art is pretty great, though. James Dean Smith does a fine job imitating thestyles of all those other artists to make the parody characters feelauthentic. While he gets many of the little detailsright, he forgot to include a skull and crossbones speech bubble when Usagidies. What is this, Amateur Hour?

Like a LOT of forgotten ‘80s black and white indiecomics, Boris the Bear issues routinely wind up in quarter and dollarbins. With this having been released bya major publisher and having gotten multiple printings, you shouldn’t have toomuch trouble finding it for cheap. Thenovelty, at least for one issue, is pretty fun in a cheap thrill sort ofway. The original characters and thestory are dumb, but the art is pretty sweet. Maybe grab it if you see it.

And no, I won’t be reviewing Adolescent Radioactive BlackBelt Hamsters. Absolutely never.